One of the most insidious results of having grown up with neglectful parents and family is that you learn to self-abandon very early on.
Children do not have the capability to understand that the actions of the adults who are tasked to care for them have nothing to do with them.
Adults are responsible for the choices they make.
But as a child, your brain isn’t developed enough to understand that so you begin to believe that maybe you’re doing something wrong, or there must be something wrong with you or you need to prioritize the emotional health of the adults in your life. This ends up creating a cycle where you do not ever get the chance to see who you are, but instead are focused on the adults and how to make them happy so they don’t abandon you. But the. problem is, the adults could never be happy. They still continued to neglect you.
Maybe you might get a small gesture here and there. A smile. A laugh. A tiny gift. But nothing consistent or real. As a child, you learned to accept love that looked like receiving breadcrumbs. You continued to give up parts of yourself and your parents continued to neglect you.
You were never able to see yourself, understand your needs or fulfill them.
Your parents neglected you and now as an adults yourself, you continue to neglect yourself in the same way.
You chase after people who don’t even like you.
You try to please others who will never be pleased.
You pick partners who are unavailable.
You know you need to workout, but you keep thinking it can’t fit in to your schedule.
You know you need to eat better, but food is your only source of comfort.
You know you need to go to the doctor, but you’re hoping it’s nothing.
Your house needs to be cleaned, but your mom always has an emergency and never tries to help you.
You chase, you fawn and you please others.
You give and give and give and no one ever reciprocates.
I need you to stop.
Pause.
Breathe.
And for the first time, truly look at yourself and see yourself as the beautiful person you are.
See the child-version of you, the teenage version of you, the young adult version of you, the middle age version of you and the elderly version of you.
They are all begging to be loved by you.
They are all begging you to not neglect them any more.
Hold yourself and promise yourself that you will not neglect your needs and instead you will prioritize your needs.
Just because your parents neglected you doesn’t mean that you need to repeat the cycle and continue to hurt yourself.
You can heal.
You can be.
You can arrive.
And you can love you.
The first steps toward healing from neglect is to no longer neglect yourself. Don’t repeat the cycle. Spend time thinking about your needs and how to meet them.
It is time for you to bring yourself home.
I would love to hear how you are healing from childhood neglect. Feel free to send me a comment.